mickey mouse bullsquash
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October 27th, 2010
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| have sex; watch woody allen; read e.e. cummings. and somewhere in between all that, write, write, write! | ||||||||||
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inspiredMay 3rd, 2010
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| oh my fucking god i'm leaving for italy today. why did i decide to go to a country that is SO FAR AWAY from home!? my stomach is a swarm of butterflies but there are so many that they keep colliding with each other. yesterday i walked from work to the esplanade to meet my family for a farewell dinner type thing and it was such a beautiful day and i took bay street which is calm and business-like and has neat office buildings and i felt a gush of love for toronto. the same sort of gush of love i feel for toronto every time i leave it. i wish i could take it with me everywhere but i don't know what that would accomplish really, except it would be a good cure for homesickness. i'm sure italy will be great and i will love it and possibly even want to move there one day because it'll be so beautiful and i'll love it, but toronto is forever the city that will hold my heart. everywhere i ever go or live, i will always have left my heart in toronto. the whole city is more good than anything else and i love, love, love it so much. oh, toronto. ♥ | ||||||||
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anxiousMarch 26th, 2010
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| i forgot that writing can be therapeutic. | ||||||||
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calmMarch 1st, 2010
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| there is an alarming sense of freedom that comes with listening to guns n' roses in just your undies. i am learning this today, and hope to never forget it. | ||||||||||
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liberatedFebruary 24th, 2010
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| "i do not love you except because i love you" by pablo neruda I do not love you except because I love you; I go from loving to not loving you, From waiting to not waiting for you My heart moves from cold to fire. I love you only because it's you the one I love; I hate you deeply, and hating you Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you Is that I do not see you but love you blindly. Maybe January light will consume My heart with its cruel Ray, stealing my key to true calm. In this part of the story I am the one who Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you, Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood. | ||||||||
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February 10th, 2010
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| "may i feel said he" by e. e. cummings may i feel said he (i'll squeal said she just once said he) it's fun said she (may i touch said he how much said she a lot said he) why not said she (let's go said he not too far said she what's too far said he where you are said she) may i stay said he (which way said she like this said he if you kiss said she may i move said he is it love said she) if you're willing said he (but you're killing said she but it's life said he but your wife said she now said he) ow said she (tiptop said he don't stop said she oh no said he) go slow said she (cccome?said he ummm said she) you're divine!said he (you are Mine said she) | ||||||||
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July 6th, 2009
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| (Reply to this meme by yelling "Words!" and I will give you five words that remind me of you. Then post them in your IJ and explain what they mean to you.) i got my words from ![[info]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} ps_lovetheblack1) jay mcinerney: my favourite living author. bright lights, big city is one of the best novels i've ever read, though possibly more for its style than storyline. nevertheless, i just love mcinerney. i don't specifically know why, but anything i read by him i tend to love. 2) movies: my biggest hobby! i looooove watching them and like most cinephiles i have very strict movie-watching habits. i.e. In theatres i have to be sitting int he very centre, at home it has to be more or less complete silence, etc. it's the best way to forget about everything and i've noticed sometimes that i will be on a date or at a get together or something and feel really awkward and out of place and think about some character or scene in a movie and truly believe that i would be more at ease in that situation than the one i'm currently in. i think that's mostly just because movies are so familiar and after you've seen a couple hundred of them, even the ones with the most shocking twists tend to be familiar (and sometimes predictable). i don't mind the predictability though because i love the familiarity of them. 3) toronto: the city i've spent more than half my life in and therefore the city i call home. it's so big and so much fun and SO CLEAN (well, not so much lately thanks to the city workers' strike) and just plain GOOD. i love it so much and as i get older, every other city i go to i compare to toronto and toronto always wins. toronto, you could say, is like my leo of geography; there may be better cities (unlikely) but toronto will always be the one i want. 4) archie comics: i don't know how to explain this. i've been reading them since i was ten or eleven and just never stopped. i just love them even though the stories are extremely repetitive sometimes and the newer archie comics are shit. but they've always been so nostalgic (obviously more the older ones than the newer ones) and everyone knows i love nostalgia. 5) franz ferdinand: my favourite band, i'd say. they're so good and alex kapranos is one of the best writers (of anything) that i've ever seen (and MET, too!) love that man and love their music. that's all, plain and simple. _________________ last night i had a dream that horse came to the bookstore and waited around for me to finish so we could go hang out or something. as if i had never told him that i wasn't interested. nothing happened because i pretended to have a work-related conversation with dani and we both went off to do important "work" when in actuality we just went giggling around the store. when we got back horse had left, but the strange thing is i was a little upset that he'd gone. i think that is really only because i loooooooved that he was so into me because it's been rare for an attractive guy to find me attractive too. p.s. my kid brother turns twenty today. i can't even tell you how old i feel (even though we're only three years apart). | ||||||||||
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April 24th, 2009
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i wish tom waits would take me as his mistress. | ||||||
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April 7th, 2009
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| ( marry, shag and throw off a cliff meme ) i was supposed to go get my blood test and urine test done but i keep putting it off. i am also feeling unnecessarily depressed and want to do nothing but sleep all the time. i hate it. last night leo caught me on msn and asked me if i was avoiding him. after the shock of the question wore off, i started to get sore at him for thinking that just because i hadn't called him in a week i was avoiding him. holy egomania. i'm working tonight and then going to fran's with derek and dani and have work tomorrow morning so i can't get my blood test done then either. i've decided to skip class on thursday and do it then. let's hope i actually get it done this time. my mother keeps asking me why i'm so afraid to go which seems like the stupidest question ever to me because obviously i am afraid of finding out that something is wrong with me. something possibly incurable. if that is the case, i'd rather not know ever and live happily in bliss. my mum hates this way of thinking because recently she started getting really sore at my dad for not taking better care of himself and getting himself checked out by the doctor more regularly. it snowed here yesterday which is ridiculous and am thinking might be the cause of my melancholy mood. that and the fact that i am graduating soon and have no real plans for the future at all. ugh. why is this my life? | ||||||||
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gloomyMarch 22nd, 2009
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| ( key songs meme ) i bought the song "i am a man of constant sorrow" from itunes today and have been listening to it on repeat ever since. i love it. my mum heard it and told me that she actually really loves oh brother, where art thou? which surprised me because it is so far from what she usually enjoys. what's more, unlike me, she has no adoration for the deep south but says she loves the depiction of the south in the film. mothers are full of surprises, clearly. my wharton/cather class was canceled the last two weeks because of my prof.'s illness so the year is even shorter than expected. i thought i wouldn't enjoy wharton as much because i don't care for "novels of manners" but i am surprised to find myself finishing her books without needing to force myself. this weekend on tln it is apparently some dicaprio love weekend so they are playing dicaprio flicks all weekend and i'm missing them which is making me unnecessarily angry since i own just about them all already. hah. | ||||||||||||
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February 28th, 2009
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| i am feeling such an urge to read lately. i want to read every book i own and i want to buy a million more books just so i can read them all too. it has also started occurring me to that there are so many books in the world that i may want to read that i will probably not even read a fraction of them by the time i die. i wish there was a way i could just sit and read all day everyday without having to worry about expenses or bills or a job. i read tennessee williams' baby doll the other night and it left me feeling a little disturbed and uneasy. it was gorgeous, though: short, sweet and with so much sexuality it's ridiculous. i fully understand why it was so controversial when it came out but i disagree with those who think it's not as shocking by modern standards. christ, tennessee williams, i wish i had known him. i think i would have loved just listening to him talk about anything any time at all. ♥  | ||||||||
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February 24th, 2009
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| i HATE studying for exams which is why i procrastinate. and then when i get all Cs i am bitter. but then it happens again because i HATE studying for exams. | ||||||||
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apatheticFebruary 13th, 2009
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| there's no running water anywhere in my house for some reason. i have to leave for class in an hour and i am a filthy little mofo in need of a shower. i am panicking a ETA: i wonder if this is friday the 13th bad luck? this is a first since friday the 13th is usually a fairly good day for me. eek. ETA 2: i called the condo people and they said a water main burst or something and they're working on fixing it and it should be done by dinnertime. let's see if it actually is! eek. ETA 3: the water is back! whew! it must've come back some time while i was in class. before that i went to morrisa's and used her shower so i didn't feel like a slob in class. her shampoo smells ridiculously delicious. | ||||||
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January 19th, 2009
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| i want to be a writer but i am often too scared to show my work, unless it is to my close friends (read, leo, suby and moe) and that is possibly only because i know they will be gentle or tell me all the good points and very few of the bad points. so what i need is some strangers' opinions because strangers won't know me personally so will give me constructive criticism which is what i need, a lot i think because there is no way everything i write can be as good as my friends tell me. but the only downside to this plan is that people can be fucking assholes. :( i have started not keeping the fact that i write/want to be a writer a secret anymore because it is only hindering my confidence in my work. if people know about it, there is always a chance that they will want to read something and then i will be writing for an audience, not just for myself. writing for an audience is possibly a very good motivation to consider my writing seriously. ack. everyone's hours are getting cut at work, not surprisingly, and i think it is scaring me because this job is my only source of income and i'm afraid i will be poooooor soon. even though the money i'll be making even with these reduced hours is not bad at all especially because i still live at home and so don't have to worry about rent and all that nonsense, i have nothing to worry about. not really. but i am starting to panic because my degree is in the air because of this strike and i have no job opportunities in my field (this is because i planned to take a year off and just work at the bookstore/write/maybe do freelance work). i am feeling like i will be a goddamn failure for the rest of my life, which may or may not be true and that is what i hate most about it: that i will never know until maybe when i'm on my deathbed and have time to reflect on my life as a whole. ack. i am also experiencing extreme pms where i am craving the most absurd and disgusting foods and am constantly in rage at everyone and anyone. but, today i sat down and signed up for this website where i can post my writing and get reviews on it as a first step in getting my writing out to the larger public and it has calmed me down and motivated me to do some serious writing today. but first, i will eat some perogies. ETA: i'm going to take part in national novel writing month this year. just for shits and giggles, basically, but also in an attempt to fulfill one of my life goals: to complete a novel. | ||||||||
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accomplishedJanuary 15th, 2009
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| i'm awake at 1:50am because there is a jack lemmon marathon on tcm tonight which i am watching because they are playing movies directed by billy wilder all night, and also because i am having an quasi-important discussion with dani via facebook private messages. one of the things we are discussing (not as much now anymore) is the fact that tac had another conversation with her about me and him and this time he was complaining that he will have to be the aggressor in terms of physical contact and etc. because we have not kissed or even held hands or anything yet. one of the reasons i have not initiated anything is because i am not an aggressive person, really, unless i need to be. and also because this is all actually very new to me so i don't really know what to do which is embarrassing to admit since i am an old lady now, just about. anyway i am having lunch with him tomorrow and dani said that i should just explain this to him because then at least he will know that has to make the first move if only because i don't know how. but he looked really good today because he was dressed all in black (not wearing his goddamn khaki work pants for once) and his hair was a little messed up and all and i saw him and just thought "hello, delicious." hahah. after work i sent him a text that said "dear tac [obvs. did not call him tac in the text], you looked real good today. :)" to which he replied with this corn: "whereas you look beautiful everyday..." i was disgusted and flattered at the same time. hahah. so, yeah. are first relationships and the likes supposed to be this awkward and UNfun in the beginning? and do they get more fun later on? i fucking hope so otherwise i am wasting my time, essentially. anyway, in the meantime, here is a meme stolen from ps_lovetheblack( my ten hottest guys everrrrrrrr ) | ||||||||
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awakeDecember 29th, 2008
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| so it's the end of the year and i know i'm not going to finish any more books so i thought i'd post my book list for the year. i usually don't count how many books i've read but i did this year and was surprised to find that i had read seventy-one books! i did not know i had time for seventy one books in the year. ( books of 2008! ) in other news, yesterday was jbn and derek green's birthday and we had planned to go to the cn tower since jbn has lived in toronto his whole life but never been. but when we got there there was a two hour wait to go up so we scrapped the plan, sadly, and went straight tot he firkin for dinner and drinks and were joined by some other friends/coworkers later. before we left, dani sprawled out on the ground and insisted on taking a photo of us with the cn tower in the background. tonight my mother is having a dinner party of sorts and i invited the vr to come and, to all of our surprise, all four of us was free and so we will all be reunited after more than a year apart! it's ridiculous that it's been more than a year since all four of us have been in the same room together. i can't fucking wait, seriously. i can't wait. tomorrow is dom's annual dance party which i invited leo to come along with me to. he hasn't confirmed yet but hopefully he will be able to come. i bought this hot dress a few weeks ago which i love to death and want to wear it to dom's party. it is super tight and ultra sexy and i want leo to see me in it. i know, that is so very high school, but i want him to see that i am available and soooo worth it. or maybe i just want to knock his goddamn socks off. i realised recently that i am actually blessed with a very nice, slim and curvy body which i have always been self conscious and/or shy of but not anymore. i've decided i need to embrace and show off this body before i get old and it goes through the inevitable changes bodies go through as you get older. anyway, so that's exciting stuff then. last night suby, jo and i finally made some plans for new year's eve. suby found out that there is this '80s party happening at this club called rok boutique over near queen west and bathurst and we decided that that would be a great way to spend new year's. this is exciting because this is the first time in forever that i have real plans for new year's eve. i was going to wear a second hot dress that i bought yesterday but i am thinking i will decide on something a little more '80s and something that i can dance comfortably in. exciting stuff. anyway, now i need to start getting ready for tonight. can i just say again how pumped i am for the vr reunion!? ahhh, i can't wait! | ||||||||||
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November 11th, 2008
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leonardo dicaprio turns 34 today. and still looks fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine! ♥ ♥ ♥ in other news i am in repayment mode for my OSAP loan but i will be applying for interest relief where the government pays the interest for me for a few months and i can pay as much or as little of the loan back in that time if i want. hopefully i will get approved and will be on my way to getting rid of the loan all the faster. also, i have an essay worth 50% of my grade due next thursday which i haven't even picked a topic for and another essay worth 35% of my grade due the week after which i haven't picked a thesis for, yet. true there is a strike and so the dates will be pushed back, but i am starting to panic a lot because i have a premonition that this strike is going to fuck up my last year at york. ughhhh. AND because i'm not a full-time student anymore i'm not covered under my mother's health plan so i am inquiring with indigo's health benefits for employees (which are fucking amazing, btw) and the only thing keeping me from taking advantage of them right away is the fact that you have to work an average of twenty hours a week which i have not been doing lately. but i am putting in a request for that today or tomorrow so i can take advantage of the health plan in the new year. good thing too because i need my teeth cleaned and want a new pair of glasses. all this is making me feel so grown up and mature. the constant stress i am under and the hideously sore and tense back is also proof of my adult-ness. oy vey. anyway, i'm going down to the reference library today to try to catch up on everything and also to start work on this story i have kicking around which i want to submit for the next issue of macmedia. after that i'm thinking of taking in the new leo dicaprio movie as a reward. yayy. | ||||||||||
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October 31st, 2008
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| i skipped my poe class today, sort of. i emailed my prof. saying i was feeling like shit because of the flu but i actually am not, but i am recovering from the flu. so, sorta skipped. anyway, i ended up going all the way to york anyway because the new issue of macmedia came out today which i submitted a story to. they never tell if they've published your submission unless they want you to edit something, so i never know if my stories have been published or not until i actually look through the magazine. anyway, this month's issue was just the creativity issue so we had a free reign regarding topics. i submitted a story i wrote in my first year professional writing class which i initially hated but my amazing t.a. helped me smooth it out and now it is one of the stories i am actually proud of. ( i know it is just a silly college magazine, but it is still exciting for me ) in other news, leo called today but i forgot my phone at home. so i gave him a ring when i got back and invited him to watch paper moon with me at my house for the third time in three weeks. hopefully this time we will actually do it! i found out that they are playing the apartment and some like it hot at the bloor next week and i am wondering if i will be done work in time to go watch that and if i will be able to coerce leo into coming for one or both of those as well. i think it would be the greatest two hours of my life if i got to sit at the bloor and watch the apartment with leo. one of my favourite theatres ever, one of my favourite movies ever, and one of my favourite people ever. ♥♥♥ | ||||||||
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September 30th, 2008
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| and still no proper update because i am tired and have the hiccups. also, leo is leaving for florida on thursday and i think i am already in withdrawal despite having talked to him a number of times already today. we might also possibly be meeting up tomorrow, but we all know how previous plans to meet up turn out with this guy. in other news, i am trying to gather a bunch of people to go to nuit blanche with this saturday night. i asked szeto (the guy i met on myspace) if he was going and i think we ended up making a date or something to meet and hang out together that night. eek. or maybe not. anyway, here is another meme from ps_lovetheblack. i am not tagging anyone because, well, i just don't want to.( meme! ) | ||||||||
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September 27th, 2008
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| still no proper entry because i got up at 6:30am for work and am feeling hella drowsy already. but i need to say that we, at the bookstore, found out that paul newman died either today or last night and all us cashiers were practically in mourning! we spent the day reminiscing about great newman flicks, searching photos of his youth on imdb and swooning uncontrollably, and trying to explain to this girl at work, who is about seventeen, just who paul newman was and why his death is a sad affair. on my break i sent leo and dani a text which read simply "paul newman is dead!!!" to which leo replied "oh shucks" which made me bust a gut laughing for some reason. he gave me a ring later when i got home and we chewed the fat briefly. (♥) in the multimedia section they were playing the nightmare before christmas which i love, love, looooooove so when i got home i was itching to watch it (i got a copy for my birthday). after that when browsing through the channels, i found out that they were playing paper moon on tcm and i stopped to watch the beginning because they play the song "paper moon" and i love that song to death. anyway, i ended up watching the entire movie and i cannot believe i had never seen it before tonight! it is fucking AMAZING: so endearing, so clever and SO funny! i fucking loved it. during my poe class yesterday i decided that i maybe would like to get my masters after all, eventually. i think i'd want to get it in or pertaining to modern american literature because i am just now realising just how much i love it and know about it because i seem to be the only person in this poe class who has any interest in american lit. outside of poe. everyone else seems hung up on the classics: dante, milton, shakespeare, etc. who are all good and fine but, gahhh, they're nothing compared to the grit and grime and the ego and mania of america as portrayed in american fiction. i love it. but, these are all just the beginnings of ideas. anyway, that's about it. derek green is having a housewarming party in a couple of weeks which i am pumped for because it will be the first social event i go to since school started. also, leo is going to florida on thursday for his grandparents' fiftieth anniversary so i will have no contact with him for some ten days. sad, but what're you gonna do about it, right? right. ok, so i'm going to go hang out with a book now. | ||||||||
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mickey mouse bullsquash
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